I’ll be honest, I’m having a really hard time writing this post.
I’ve blogged about my experiences with chronic illness, but I’ve been wanting to share more because I think it’s important. The thing is, I don’t really like talking about my health problems in real life. I do my best to answer questions but will not go out of my way to make conversation about it. Truthfully, I am going through the 5 stages of grief. I am quite literally mourning the life I once previously lived, one full of high-impact exercise and no dietary restrictions. I’ve successfully made it through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. But I am still working on acceptance. Acceptance is often confused with being “ok” with what has happened but that’s not the case. This stage is about accepting the reality and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. For me, acceptance is about having more good days than bad and luckily the good has been outweighing the bad.
I continuously ask myself, “if you could change one thing, what would it be?” and of course my answer was always “to eliminate this illness.” If you told me that six months ago I’d be writing post, I’d call you crazy because at this stage in the game I wouldn’t change my diagnosis, rather, I’d eliminate the time I lost while grieving. I have created a life worth living, despite being told how miserable it can be living with chronic pain. I’m kicking my chronic illness in the ass and I’m here to share with you how I am doing it.
“Your life will never be the same. Exercise? Limited.”
It was one day in August that I stopped at the mirror in my bedroom, wearing only underwear and a sports bra, and I remember looking at myself and seeing every single one of my ribs protruding out. I wasn’t even sucking in. I had lost a lot of weight – to the point where my doctors could categorize me as anorexic through blood work and urinalysis. I had a longterm spike of ketones in my urine. For those of you who do not know… when a person has high ketone levels, their body breaks down fat for energy. I was not diagnosed as anorexic because my reasoning for not eating was different.
This was the turning point for me – if I didn’t make a change now, I’d whither away.
I began a food diary, tracking what foods bothered me most. During this time of trial and error, most foods bothered me and that was because of the damage done to the lining of my digestive system. Luckily, I was still able to decipher which foods were more bothersome because of an increased spike in the severity of my symptoms. My diet ended up consisting of bland, tasteless foods and that was fine with me. I saw food as fuel, not something to be enjoyed. I went for weekly urinalysis at my primary’s office to monitor my ketones to make sure that I was getting enough food and nutrients. My goal was to normalize the ketones before experimenting with foods that were not bland. Working on my diet had to have been the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. I realize now that I was surrounded by the wrong people because they were both shocked and disappointed anytime I was seen eating something bland. I was labelled as “the sick one who couldn’t eat anything tasty” and the worst part was having people rubbing in how good their food tasted. This put me in tears more times than I can count and truthfully, it still hurts thinking about it.
I also began keeping an exercise diary to track the activities that increased my discomfort. At first, my baseline pain was an 8.5 and my log only consisted of outdoor walks because that was the only thing I was cleared to do. (I would like to mention that the same people who mocked my diet would also invite me to participate in activities that were high-impact, very well knowing that I couldn’t and then would proceed to laugh about it.). As my walks increased in distance, my PT would clear me to try out new activities which would then be put into either the Casey-Friendly category, or the “Try Again” one. I labeled the category “Try Again” because I knew that I would one day be able to do all of the things I used to be able to.
I had a few minor victories that included completing my first 2 mile walk on August 28th, participating in a 90-minute heated yoga class on September 1st, and playing in a pick-up hockey game on September 9th. My body unfortunately was not ready for ice hockey as that put me back into the hospital. Prior to this set back, my baseline pain made it down to a 4.
My first major victory came when I completed my very first OrangeTheory class on October 14th. I was immediately hooked – not only did I feel incredible after my first session but it also felt nice having a place where I felt accepted. OrangeTheory is a class-based gym which is perfect for people who need guidance (me). I was offered low-impact alternatives for every exercise and was not put down because of it. I’m not gonna lie, I did have some setbacks from pushing it too hard in classes, but I was always able to give my body the break that it needed so that I could return as soon as possible. I was able to go from being a power-walker to a jogger in just four weeks. And two week after that I was able to make it into the category of runner. As I think back, a lot of my success came from the positive atmosphere I had put myself in… and of course by journaling everything and the hard work I put in at physical therapy. At this time, my baseline pain was down to a 2.5.
My greatest success though has come in the most recent months when I started working one-on-one with a coach who I met at OrangeTheory. I’ll never forget the day that she approached me, after having asked her to help me with my diet, when she asked me about my chronic illnesses. This was the first time I admitted my illnesses out-loud. I was terrified, but immediately felt comfort as she did not treat me as “that sick person.” She was able to relate to what I have been going through and assured me that she could help. This was the first time since being diagnosed that I felt that everything was going to be okay.
She started off by making me a spreadsheet of foods to eat, foods to try, and foods to avoid. She also sent me a packet on how to eat smart by laying out how much protein, carbs and fat I should be consuming daily. Since then, she has been doing weekly check-ins and has been making changes to my diet to keep me on track to hitting my goals.
Somewhere along the way of working on my diet with Jenn, I no longer felt ashamed for being sick and I stopped apologizing for having dietary restrictions when eating with other people. I consider this a major victory.
Shortly after working with Jenn on my diet, I asked her to take me on fully, meaning to do weight training with me. I allowed her to turn me down as a client because of my health issues and her response was, “you can’t get rid of me that easily!” I initially had anxiety about embarrassing myself for not being as strong as her but what’s great about our sessions is that she doesn’t make me feel bad about not being the best at something. I love being applauded on the days where I am only using 8 lb dumbbells and having her continuously tell me how well I am doing. Another anxiety I had was undoing the progress that I have made. My baseline pain was staying consistent at a 2.5 with no signs of it improving so naturally I was very hesitant to try lifting, especially since that was the one thing I was told to never try. She was able to put my anxiety to rest and successfully eased me into weight training.
In the past couple of months, we have made a tremendous amount of progress. I am lifting the heaviest I have ever lifted and am now able to do the exercises that were once bothersome. I am in the best shape of my life despite being chronically ill and I am pleased to say that I am currently living symptom free – something I never thought was possible. I am a new person and am excited to continue growing with the best trainer out there.
With all things considered, I didn’t expect to revolutionize my life through fitness. Something that was supposed to be harmful to me has turned out to be the most helpful. I’d like to mention that the most dramatic change came in the form of my confidence and drive. Working out became my chance to shut the world out and concentrate on how strong I could be. I push my limits in these workouts and leave feeling accomplished and powerful, which is now translating to life outside of the gym. My advice to those who may be going through something similar is to be aware of your surroundings – make sure you have the right people in your corner because that will make all the difference.
